Breakable

Today I had a God moment. This is really a big deal for me. Whether it be that I "don't have them" or that I don't notice them, when they slap me across the face, I take notice. Today, I could do nothing except take notice. I was really struggling today because I had a moment of vulnerability in front of a group of people where I expressed my doubts. Essentially I pointed out that I worry that this goal that I am pressing on toward (finishing school) might not be worth it in the end. And what if it's not? It is okay with me to have these doubts. I don't need to be fixed or adviced (yes, I know that's not a word, but it really is a feeling). I want to simmer with my doubt and be okay and perhaps better because of it. Well, in typical human fashion, once I expressed these concerns, several people responded with things such as "You just can't see it now, but it'll be worth it in the end." There is little that will shut me up on command, but bad responses or advice will do it every time. Here's the thing, I just have to remember that not everyone has taken 100 something hours of counseling classes. I know that most people want to reassure - it's human nature. The thing is, not everyone wants to be reassured. Many people just want to be heard and validated. This is not to say that I know the right thing to say every time. Quite the opposite. However, I know that sometimes the words, "That sucks" or "You must've felt so alone" are the Neosporins to a bleeding heart.
So my moment came after I had a processing session with two of my girlfriends who truly understand how poorly people can respond. Both of them did a wonderful job of letting me vent. Then tonight I was reading a book, Faith and Doubt, that one of them let me borrow. Now, I usually read my Real Simple magazine while I blow dry my hair, but tonight I picked this book up. About two pages in, I read the lines that came out of the book and slapped me across the face - "When people of faith are not willing to sit quietly sometimes and let doubt make its case, bad things can happen. Sometimes people of faith can be glib. Sometimes they respond with bad answers." I have spent the past few months simmering with my doubt, and it's sort of an accessory to my outfit. I've learned to be okay with it, because in my mind, my doubt is mine. I grew up in a Christian home with my mother's faith (which there is nothing wrong with), but for once, I feel like this doubt belongs to me. It's one of the first signs that I am making this religious experience my own. I'm challenging the old way and questioning things. It's not a bad thing, and I'm not apologizing for it. I will not be told that it's something that I'll grow out of or something that will be better once I get to the other side. Because if I have no doubts whatsoever, then I feel like I'm not wanting for something better. I'm not wanting for something that I can call mine. This doubt, and this faith, and this experience is mine, and I am going to wear it in style.